Saturday, December 09, 2006

Weekend Funnies

From the most hillarious news source in America, "The Onion":

Iraq War Recommendations
December 6, 2006

The Baker Study Group released their report on new Iraq strategies. Here are the some of the other options for Iraq currently on the table:
  • Implement phased withdrawal of all media access

  • Rapidly train Iraqi security forces in use of butterfly knives

  • Try to meet insurgents halfway by burning own effigies of Bush

  • Promote Smithfield Ham–sponsored "Hey, America, What's Your Exit Strategy?" contest

  • Spend a weekend researching the customs and history of the Iraqi people

  • Stop half-assing USO shows

  • Teach Iraqis about ultimate futility of sectarian violence by pointing out that, Shiite or Sunni, they all look alike anyway

  • Move operations over to another country that will embrace democracy more readily
From the Onion's news archive:

Sean Penn Demands To Know What Asshole Took SeanPenn@
January 17, 2006-LOS ANGELES—In an impassioned 1,900-word open letter published in Monday's Washington Post, actor-director Sean Penn urged the unknown person who registered the e-mail address to "come forward immediately, rather than wallowing in the shame and ignominy of fraud."...Penn recounted in the letter how he had waited for an invitation to Google's e-mail service for a year and a half before receiving one earlier this month. According to Penn, when he tried to establish an account, he received a message indicating that his desired user name, SeanPenn, had already been registered. "Sir or madam, if only you could have seen the anger and revulsion that washed over my face as I found that,,,, and had all been taken," Penn's letter read.